Tokyo Nights
Life In Tokyo - Neil Stalnaker
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Sunday, November 13, 2005
Not So Simple.....
I don't think life is so simple. I want to live a simple life but, it often gets complicated. I don't think there is ALWAYS right or wrong....sometimes answers and solutions take time. Sometimes you can't rush things. Seems like there is a natural flow or process to everything. You can't force a flower to bloom before it's time. You water it three times a day and kill it. Sometimes people try to force me into a position that works "in their head". If I don't "go there", they think I'm trying to play games. I'm too busy living life. I don't have time for games. A lot of people don't understand that. How could they? They've never had cancer. Cancer is deep. The cancer experience is dark. I felt so much fear and loneliness on such a deep level. That's the main reason I like to be around so many people now. I saw a very dark side of reality that a lot of people don't want to talk about, don't want to know about and don't want to face until it's their turn. After having cancer, I haven't wanted to take naps in the daytime. Many times after a gig, I don't go home. I'll go hang-out at some other places and then when the sun is coming-up go and find some breakfast or go to a park or to the ocean or something. It has gotten me into trouble. My body gets incredibly tired sometimes from no sleep. I crash and get very depressed. People around me can't understand my lifestyle sometimes. It must be very difficult to have a relationship with me. I know life is sooo short. I want to live it 24 hours a day. But, I'm not entirely stupid. I know there's a limit. I had a lot of friends die from cancer. Sometimes I thought that was more simple. My life has been so difficult since the cancer. Cancer stretches your mind....like stretching a rubber band. It doesn't go back into place. Cancer forces you to meet life "head-on". You can't bullshit your way through cancer. The experience is too profound. Cancer will laugh at you if you try to fake your way through it. It will "slap you into the corner". It's great preparation for the rest of your life, if you survive it. After cancer-radiation therapy-major depression I found myself looking at a divorce and losing of all my money and material possessions (houses, cars, horns,etc). So there I am, sitting in my cancer doctor's office in Baltimore for a 4th year check-up with my new partner, living in New York in a "rat trap", no money, no gigs and asking this very "spiritually aware" doctor what is going on with me. He told me that it had been a very deep, disturbing and profound experience that I had been going through. People around me (although they were helpful and cared about me) simply weren't "in touch" with experience on the same level that I had been. He told me that I was now "on a journey". I commented that maybe I didn't want to "go on a journey". He told me that I could make that choice but, by repressing that experience, I could cause much more serious health problems for myself in the future. So, I'm on a journey. I'm living life. Making mistakes. Enjoying the beauty. Going up and down with the sadness and happiness of each day. My sisters boyfriend asked me (when I was in the middle of the cancer experience) what is was like to have cancer. I told him that I felt soooo free. Not worrying about all of the "usual" things that people worry about. Not worrying about time. Kind of a floating feeling. But, a REALLY free feeling. No, life for is not so simple anymore. But, at the same time it is easy to see through the bullshit. That does kind of simplify things at times. I have much, much more patience now for some things and absolutely no patience for other things. Not so simple.......
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